Corporate Whoredom Explained

R**** D*****

Matthew Petty

G*** W*****

Winter 2001

INT: MEETING ROOM - DAY

We are in a meeting room. Not too swish - bog standard office space. Simple table, three chairs, laptop and projector, or OHP, with screen for display.

DIFFERENT VOICE

Man speaks with entirely different voice on phone as normally. Poss. imitating other person - unconsciously taking the piss out of accents. Various phone calls show how he does a different voice for each person.

Funny voice bleeds through to normal voice.

Really irate/aggressive - person waiting to talk is scared

Person on phone is wimp - uses phone to project a hard persona.

WIZARD OF OZ IN A MEETING

Special effect giant head comes in (or maybe just big disembodied voice), and is very strong and powerful, but then one person finds a curtain in the corner and reveals another suit operating the head remotely, to get away from the fact that his ideas are crap.

Wizard comes up with various bad ideas, which the other two...

CHILDISH PEOPLE IN MEETING

Three SUITS, at the end of a meeting. One keeps talking over the over when he tries to speak. Talking over a particular member of the meeting whatever they say.

The end of a meeting.

Suit 1

Any other business?

Each person replies, but when the guy on the bottom starts talking, the other two moan audibly and throw bits of paper at him. He continues despite the noise. They say things like "Jesus" and "oh God" and "pfff..." etc. until the guy can no longer talk. despite having some thing really important to say.

Suit 1

[suit 1Tries to talk] [Suit 2 talks over him]

Suit 2

Oh god...moan...groan... [This is repeated until Suit 3 has had enough]

Suit 3

Oh for god's sake guys. This is no way to conduct a meeting. Eh? Now we're going to be civil about this. Ok Tim?

Suit 2 [sheepish]

OK

Suit 3

Gareth? Is that OK with you?

Suit 1 [more defiant]

OK.

Suit 3

OK. Gareth, you first.

[Gareth/Suit 1does his big speech]

Suit 3

Right, thanks very much. Tim, now it's your turn.

Suit 2

moan...groan...pfffff...oh god...Jesus etc.

NO-MEN

Twist on normal big boss. He puts forwards ideas, and his 'anti-sycophantic' minions all answer 'no' in an effort t please him. After a few exchanges with them, hew gets frustrated at their lack of imagination. He starts by pacing up and down, being aggressive

Boss

OK, so this is how it's gonna be. I want full rollout by 2002Q4, and complete saturation 6 months after that. Right?

Minions

No!

Boss

What?

Minions

No!

Boss

I can't believe I'm hearing this. No, what?

(minions look at each other)

Minions

No...sir!

(Boss seems mollified)

Boss

That's better. And I want a schedule drawn up to show the critical path for this tomorrow AM. Right?

Minions

No sir!

Boss

Good.

(Boss is mollified, then he sits down and seems to get depressed. Boss looks disgruntled and sighs)

You know there's something not right here. I don't know what it is. This is everything I ever wanted. I'm at the peak of my profession. I've worked my way up from the bottom. When I started, I had to fight to get everything I wanted. To get anything, I had to bargain, make deals, wheedle, and yeah, sometimes I had to beg. Do you have any idea what that's like?

Minions

No sir.

Boss

I used to hate the guys I worked for. Yes, yes, yes, that's all they ever wanted to hear. If you thought differently, if you had an original idea, they didn't want to know. But I knew I was right and I vowed there and then to prove them wrong. I got out, got set up, and here we are. But it still doesn't feel right. Do you understand me?

Minions

No sir.

Boss

Can you imagine how depressing it is?

Minions

No -

Boss

Hold on - there was something there.

(Looks suspiciously at his minions)

Did you notice anything?

Minions

No sir.

Boss

Don't any of you have an original ideas of your own?

Minions

No sir!

Boss

This is it ! this is the problem. I crawled my way up from the gutter, you sycophants. Don't you have any self-respect? Don't you have anything orignal to say for yourselves

Minions

No sir!

HOW TO END THIS?

ALPHA BOSS

(Meeting. Suit 1 giving a presentation with OHP. All seems normal, until Suit 1 makes a gaff of some sort. V. minor, like having the wrong slide, or getting the notes the wrong way round.)

(Suit 2 see this weakness. As a reaction to this show of weakness, another suit (Suit 2) stands up and approaches Suit 1. He starts to grunt and growl in an attempt to assert his superiority.)

(Suit 1 sees this and squares up, trying to make himself look big, and showing his teeth. Puff up hair, open coat to look big. Makes his hair stand up.)

(Suit 2 continues as before, then makes a grab for the slides, and slaps them on the OHP, pointing and laughing and screaming like a chimp. Beating his chest)

(Suit 1 tries to grab slides back, beating chest and jumping.)

(But Suit 2 is too quick and prevent him getting them back. He howls and screams and beats his chest harder, forcing Suit 1 back into the corner. Possible 2001 reference with a big bone.)

(Eventually, Suit 2 has won, and Suit 1 is cowering in the corner.)

(Finally Suit 2 straightens up, tidies tie, and gestures to his (Suit 2's) seat for Suit 1. Really calm. Suit 1 takes Suit 2's seat, tides himself, really calm.)

(During all this, the third suit is taking minutes, calmly noting all that takes place)

When all is calm,

SUIT 2

And do we have a seconder for that?

SUIT 1

puts hand up

SUIT 2

Thanks Gareth, anyone else? OK Great, erm, effective immediately. Tim, did you get all that?

SUIT 3

Erm, yeah I think so, I get copies done and pass them round next time OK?

(They then eat bananas)

MEDIEVAL BOSS

Boss

And we shall crush them beneath our feet as though they were insects! They cower before out mighty stock portfolio! And our product range shall be as a gargantuan storm across the world, sweeping all; before it's recently updated feature set!

Deputy

But sirrah, does not the upgrade path of our nearest industry rival overtake us the in the …

Boss (interrupts) NO! Weak fool! I will not hear this! Heretic! Guards! take him away!

(two guards with pikes grab the unbeliever and drag him away)

(screams off)

Boss Must I kill all my closest deputies? Must I pluck the very fruit from this tree I have grown?

(more screams off - cut off suddenly)

Boss Our market share is second to none!

(some form of disembodied voice is heard, booming and impressive)

Voice HA HA HA! Puny small business! We of the Conglomerate will absorb you as the spider drains the juices from the tiny fly. Your withered husk will remain on this industrial estate as a reminder to all who would attempt to challenge the omnipotence of The Conglomerate. Resistance will be met with penalty clauses!

(Another even deeper voice is heard)

Deeper Voice

Elmo!!! Time for your tea!!!

Voice

Oh, Dad not now, I'm playing!

ETCETCETCTECTETCTETCTETCTETCTTETCTETFDTCTCTCTC HMM. perhaps not. I like the deep voice, but can't think how to continue.

SLIDE SHOW

SUIT gives a presenation. He uses a bowie knife to point at the slides. The first couple of slides are the usual bullet points, pie charts and so on. Then suddenly a slide of a WOMAN IN A BIKINI appears. This is an old joke, 'accidentally leaving your candid snaps in the projector' kind of thing. An ice-breaker. But with laptops and projectors, it's harder to leave stuff in accidentally.

SUIT

(fake surprise) Oh! Ha! I don't know how that got in there!

Continues through the slides. A couple of normal slides later, with bullet points and a graph, another candid shot appears. This time its slightly weird. It is the SUIT, wearing a dress, or doing something strange.

SUIT

(fake surprise) Oh! Ha! I don't know how that got in there!

The situation then repeats. A couple of normal slides, then something weird, with the same reaction from the suit. The weird ones get weirder and weirder.

  1. Woman in Bikini
  2. SUIT in a dress
  3. Klan Rally
  4. naked surrounded by fruit and veg
  5. Man Doing a Goat
  6. Nuclear Explosion

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